Splork wakes early on Saturday with the intent of creating great things for the herd to find floating in the web sewers. His gift for writing 8th grade material for the vastly under-educated American audience to consume is unmatched. Thoughts drift to adding pages to websites for the sole purpose of enticing screen tappers to engage with their $500 yearly upgrade iDevice and punch their pudgy fingers onto one of many delightful money links.
(Splork narrates)
I get ready for the day. I slip into my favorite cloak, light the lantern and place it high on the stern, locate a staff to guide my vessel through the sewage as I twirl my mustache with a knowing nod to my mystical powers.
“Honey, why are you up so early? Turn off that light! And why on earth are you wearing a bathrobe? And what the hell is that on your lip? Put the laptop down and go back to bed.”
Clearly Mrs. Splork does not understand the world that is known to me.
I push off from the moorings and glide my boat gently into the early morning mist. The smell is familiar. The smooth surface of the water greets the bow as I seek the first vestige of familiar lights in front of me. I know these waters well and have spent many years navigating them. I make the first of many turns away from sandbars and low hanging trees full of serpents that could imperil my journey.
(Mrs. Splork passing by my desk on her way to the kitchen an hour later)
“What are you working on? What is Warrior Forum and why are there 4 windows open that says ‘Product Formula Riches’, ‘Rapid Business Profits’, ‘Google Money Machine Maker’ and ‘Content Farm Glory’. Quit fooling around and take the garbage to the dump.”
The mist begins to lift only to find the water speeding up and crashing around mostly unseen rocks. The raft lurches, bobbing perilously in the rapids. The lantern swings wildly as the wind picks up. The darkness envelopes my mystical craft. My mustache quivers as my cloak floats magically behind me.
“Dude, seriously. Stop banging on the keyboard like that. You just bought that wireless thing and I am not going to let you waste good money on another. And if you say the “eff word” one more time it will be a long while before the literal sense is initiated.”
The passage to the ingress point on this harrowing journey is never clear. The air is thick with the stench of despair. The travel is similar but never the same. Experience brings safety and conclusion to the trip but the debarkation is only the beginning. The craft is carefully navigated through the rough water and jagged rocks to the bank where the final destination lies. Gathering my staff and lantern I make way off the boat onto the spongy surface to begin looking for my destiny.
“Look I am not going to sit here and punch in these stupid, what did you call them? Captures, that I can’t even read, into this Bookmarking Monster program!? And I looked over those extra articles and they all read the same but much worse than the first one. You can do better. I’ve read your nonsense on that Lost Basketball website you said you built.”
I enter the pathway with my lantern pointed in the direction I hope is my glorious reward. I see lights dancing in the distance and a cool breeze meets my face as I wander into the darkness. I feel secure in my knowledge that this is but one path to riches and I have traveled many such as this. The lights are familiar but can play tricks on your eyes as the seduction is exquisite for monetary delight. The light is always fleeting but this is where I decide to place the offering to indicate my glorification of the potential for acceptance of my web sewer magic.
“That seems like a lot of Adsense ads and product links for that site. Ads are soooo annoying. And why are you building a site on feminine hygiene products. What the hell is wrong with you?”
With my offering in place I make my way back to my raft. My lantern is well lit and my cloak is comfortable in the cold air. I smile a little and twirl my mustache as I push off from the bank hopeful that my efforts will pay dividends of great wealth and adulation.
“Dad, you’ve been standing in front of the fridge forever. And why are you wearing my magician mustache? Don’t make me punch it off. Now get your Nerf gun and defend yourself before I shoot a new pie hole in that thing you call a face.”
Somewhere in the darkness I hear a scream…
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Quite Simply this is your
Best. Post. Ever
Re: “The smooth surface of the water greets the bow as I seek the first vestige of familiar lights in front of me.”
Brilliance, pure brilliance!
A fine expose’ to end my day.
Thanks
Pure gold
!
ROTFLMAO!!!
Ha Ha Ha!
Awesome post – best I’ve read for weeks made better by the fact I’m listening to some mid-eighties early Marillion.
@all -Thanks for reading guys.
“With my offering in place I make my way back to my raft. My lantern is well lit and my cloak is comfortable in the cold air. I smile a little and twirl my mustache as I push off from the bank hopeful that my efforts will pay dividends of great wealth and adulation.”
Good stuff!
Reminded me of Disney Land. I like the way you left us hangin’ for part two.
Mate, I think you should forget about IM and start writing novels.
If I had a facebook account, I’d ‘like’ this post and ‘tweet’ all my friends that I ‘digg’ it so somebody could ‘stumbleupon’ this amazing article and know that I ‘reddit’. Well done.
Oh, and when you twirl your mustache, I envision this: http://miasmaticreview.mu.nu/mt-static/images/Mustache.JPG
Again, many thanks for reading. It’d be fun to have a writing gig. Problem is every post that I’ve written just spews forth. I can’t force it.
Eso-freakin’-teric brilliant, man!
So true about how the other ‘alf sees our business. Although a little scary about standing in front of the fridge for ages. I get caught in mid- brain-freeze-out more often that is healthy too. Must be a by-product of advancing age… burble burble…
Lol great stuff Splork. You definitely have a gift for writing. I enjoy all your posts but this one takes the prize.
Excellent read, but quite an interesting ‘reading level score’ in Google also
http://www.google.com/search?q=http%3A%2F%2Flostballinhighweeds.com%2Fa-day-in-the-life-of-an-internet-marketer%2F&hl=en&num=10&lr=&ft=i&cr=&safe=images&tbs=rl%3A1
Seems next time you have use even more ‘mystic’ in your prose
SY
Truly amazing writing. C’mon man, this was 5th grade level or I’ll kiss your ass. I kept imagining that you look like a Fabio Pirate sitting in front of your monitor with hair flowing and sweat glistening from tanned pecs as your forearm muscles rippled with each smash of the keyboard.
@Terry @Trent @Hospital @Steve – Really appreciate the comments. Thanks for reading… but a Fabio pirate? Laughing…good grief.
ROFL LMFAO – have to FB this!
Thanks Lis.
I can assure you, fine readers, that Splork is no hair flowing, sweat glistening Fabio. A bad-ass wordsmith, yes. Fabio, no.
I tell you, Splork is highbrow compared to some of the recent posts on the Warrior Forum. That place is really starting to go downhill and is itself in danger of sinking into the sewers.
Finally, when people ask “so what is it you do?” I will have the answer :p
@Brett – agreed. What an utter shit hole.
Top stuff
Now what am I supposed to do
When crappy links are in my world
How can I want more for myself
When I’m going on 10 mil.
First time that I dropped a link
It was on a fat PR blog
All I know is it charged my SERPs
Yes, Daddy G looked my way
He smiled at me
So warm and sweet
What could I say
It was only one little bitty link
He didn’t know what I would do to him
I spun up a real mess
No hard feelings
I cannot stop, I must confess
Crappy, crappy links
Your rankings
Feels so damn good to me
Push me up don’t wanna come down
Coins are spinning all around
Yeah
You don’t need to know
I’ve got that somebody
You’re beautiful
But it ain’t that type of party
Repeat 1 (2 times)
I spun up a real mess
Daddy G, please sluff it down
I spun up a real mess
Don’t you think my spins are so dvine?
I spun up a real mess
And more is on the way
I spun up a real mess
Index
Index a little more
See thre ain’t nothing wrong with spamming
Matty C don’t get me wrong
Cause every time I deposit
I know just how strong
The sewers are below my baby
But footprints just don’t lie
I know I’ve got a lot of crap links
Can’t you just shut your eye
Awesome. Clearly I bring out the best (worst) in you people.
So did the G-man accidentally flush any of your beloved static turdlings from our fair sewers? Their attempt at septic schadenfreude was quite amusing, I must say. Hope all is well. Good hunting, my friend.
All this time I was thinking you actually had a real mustache.
Interestingly my Hubpages are dong quite well since the flush. Why? I dunno. Guess they were actually useful and the backlinks that I have been getting for them via Article Marketing Automation and BMD must have worked out.
Simply wonderful. I had a smile on my face the entire time. “Why are you building a site about feminine hygiene products?” PRICELESS! I don’t think anyone I know full understands what I do or why.
@Lynn – thanks for reading
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